A new year has just started, resolutions and new desires. Everything should be different, but changing the calendar does not mean that your life is changing immediately with it.
Of course, it is not like this.
Life, with small and big challenges. Work, friends, love.
Life in London is hectic. I have been living here from almost three years and still I am not used to say goodbye to people. I am still not used to the fact that people use each other. People come and go. People are having fun or simply enjoying themselves. Life is like a roller-coaster for me or this is how it was last year. Gigs, concerts, nights out, work, no sleep, smiles and tears. Always trying to forget what I went through.
I lost one of the person I love the most last year. I still can not say I loved. Sometimes I still call her at home by mistake.
It is almost one year.
Last year I was calling my family back home to know how she was. When I went home in December 2009, she was at the final stage of her cancer. She could not speak, she had not enough energy, no power, no strength in her body.
She started to cry when she saw me without wig, she was crying like a baby and I felt so useless. She could not talk to me, she simply had no voice.She did not want me to see her in that condition. She wanted me to remember her smiling. I will never forget this.Horrible feeling.
I am still feeling guilty for not having been with her in her final hours. I know there was nothing I could have done, but being miles away did not help. I met one person in the past month and he shared the same feelings I had, I have and I probably will have. It was such a relief, somehow. I had not talked openly with anyone and I finally could say what I was feeling.
Cancer and all what you live leave such a mark in your life. You see everything in a different perspective: every relationship, every fact, situation and you can not do anything, you can not explain anything.
She taught me how to love, how to appreciate small things, how to try to see the positive way in every little small thing.
Every visit with the doctor, every chemio was like being stabbed.
This is life, we come and go, we come to life and we disappear, but it is definitely not easy to accept this.
I have still not learned. I am still trying to fight against the sterility of perception and feelings. The aridity of the rational thought. I still do every single thing with my heart and I am hurt every single time.
I’ve met hundreds of people. I laughed with them, I smiled, I had fun. I shared my feelings with them. I loved and still love some of them. I lost some of them. I cried for some of them. Some of them are my best friends. In Germany, Italy, Spain, in Switzerland, in France. I still do not get how they read into my mind and when something happens they send me a message. This is friendship then. I am surprised every single time.
Probably I will never learn, it is a never-ending process.
You can try to change, you can try to modify some parts of your being, but your essence is there and changing for something or someone is only cheating.
It 2 AM in the morning and I can not sleep, again.
I have three thousand thoughts in my mind, ideas, I am still worried and my heart is beating at the sound of the music. I can not stop it. In the past days I have felt a fear, that fear. I just want to delete that. I did not want to tell anyone.
I have to do everything by myself. Once again.
This new year is awaiting me. I will not settle down for anything less than what I want and deserve. I will not change for someone.
I still have some plans and dates to save: New York next month, a wedding in the summer, some concerts to look forward to.I want to change some things, I want to stick to the things in which I believe. And sometimes I say I just wanna be loved and understood for the crazy human being I am.
2011, it might sound cheesy but I just want to be happy.